A Step-Dad's Nightmare, "You're Not My Dad!" - Now What?

Q. "Five years ago my son's father left us. I am now remarried to a great guy named David. He has tried his best to be friends with Nathan, and I take care of the discipline. We've been married for three years and Nathan won't do anything his step-father asks of him. How can I change this?"

A. Children often feel at fault when their parents divorce, even though the problems are with the adults. Nathan most likely sees the situation as his dad leaving him, rather than you. If his dad doesn't visit, or is sporadic about it, this will only reinforce Nathan's belief. He feels abandoned, guilty and also angry. His biggest fear is probably that you will leave him too.

Nathan is carrying all this around plus the fact that you married another man. This makes it evident to him that his parents won't be re-uniting. Also another man is taking away the special attention he was getting when you were a single mom. He has a lot on his plate and it makes sense that he will have trouble coping.

Perhaps Nathan got on really well with David before you married. At that stage, he was just Mum's boyfriend. Then, he was fun to have around, and never tried to act bossy. Now he is living in the house like he owns it.

Communication is the key in this situation. When David became a parent instead of just a visitor that was a lot for Nathan to absorb. You need to be open and honest with him about everything. Schedule talk time for everyone. You and Nathan should talk, then Nathan and David, and finally all three of you. If you have other children, include them as well.

There are a couple of important points to be aware of: first let Nathan know that you understand that he's upset and resentful. Then tell him that David will never replace his father. It's perfectly normal for Nathan to miss and love his dad, even if you don't. Do your best to remain matter-of- fact about your divorce, and don't include any children in disagreements between you and your ex.

Also be honest about the fact that you love David and that's why he is now a part of the family. This doesn't detract from your love for Nathan in any way. Explain that when Nathan learns to like and accept David, that won't affect his love for his dad.

Finally, you must make it clear to Nathan that David now has parental authority in your family. What David says goes. Don't let Nathan come to you trying to discount any decision David has made. If you happen to disagree with David on some issue, address it in private. It's important that you stand by him in public. Nathan has to see and hear that you and David are of one mind, and that you will always back David fully.

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Dr. Noel Swanson has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems and also regularly writes for Yes Parenting website. ~ai586
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