Dealing with the Other Difficult Parent

Q. My stepdaughter is 4, and her real mother is constantly in and out of jail and has 86 felonies. She gets visitation every other weekend, (If she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won't say anything.

A. Indeed, it is a difficult situation, though it usually happens with separated parents. In this case the child’s mom is in jail, which makes it worse. But even if the child is living with the mother and goes to meet the father he/she comes back depressed — sometimes belligerent and destructive or just in a bad mood.

Since you cannot do much about this difficult situation, you have to manage it properly so that it does not leave such an impact on your child.

First, let's be quite clear that putting the child into some sort of therapy is very unlikely to make much of a difference. This is something that needs to be sorted out by the adults.

There are basically two different situations. One is when one of the parents is causing the problem; and the other is just the differences between parents and homes. In this article I am going to focus on the former – the problem parent.

There are several features suggestive of such 'poison'. One is that of being unreliable for visits - promising to call or show up, but then failing to do so. Often children desperately hope that, this time, dad will phone, or come, or send a present, and yet, time after time, they are let down again.

Then, when they do go for a visit, they are often ignored, or merely have to fit in with the adult's own (often inappropriate) plans. In other words, despite their protestations of how much they care, the child is clearly very low on their list of priorities.

I have known of occasions when not only the child but even the mother has to accommodate last-minute changes in the other parent’s plans.

Then, in addition to their unreliability, they may also use the child as a pawn to convey messages (usually uncomplimentary) to the custodial parent. Or they may just spend the whole weekend criticizing and derogating the mother.

All children want to be loved and cared for. They can sense love and respond to it whole heartedly. But if one parent keeps saying nice things but behaves uncaringly then the child loses all sense of worth and belonging.

These kinds of parents are difficult to deal with even in the courts because they are experts in talking smoothly but their words are hollow. They don’t mean what they say. And, the court has to take the case at its face value.

My advice is: don’t let the situation continue and worsen. If you find yourself in a similar situation, act fast, even though it can be quite difficult.

First, explore the option of mediation or the courts. In such an extreme case the other parent should probably be denied access to the child. Of course, it will probably be more difficult to convince the courts.

What you can get, however, is some very clear agreement regarding visits: When will they happen? At what precise time? What about phone calls during the week? What happens if they other parent does not show up?

In that case, abide by the agreement and put your foot down if there are delays and deviations from the promised time. Give him ten minutes more and if he doesn’t turn up, follow your own plans. Go out with your child and have a good time. Don’t wait at home and sulk. Don’t be available to adjust with his convenience.

It’s important to record all these events; they will come in handy in court. Also, think of consulting a counselor to help you deal with the harmful effects of this on your child. And, they will testify these effects on the child in court.

No matter what happens, make sure you are always warm, positive and supportive with your child. You don’t have to make excuses for the other parent nor should you criticize him in the presence of your child. Just enjoy the times when she is with you. Do your best to make life as normal as possible in the abnormal circumstances.

As an ultimate step you might have to think of moving out of the town or state to make the visits more impractical. But, before you decide to take such a drastic step, make sure your opinion about the other parent is not based on prejudices against him. Think objectively, or talk it over with a friend or counselor before moving out.

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Dr. Noel Swanson is a top expert on child behaviour. He writes for a very informative website with lots of parenting advice that is well worth a visit. His book, The GOOD CHILD Guide is also essential reading for any parent. You can download it here: solving children's behavior. ~ai602
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