Help! My Child Won't go to School

"How do I get my nine-year-old daughter to school? She seems to have tummy aches or headaches constantly, and misses several days of school each week. Any suggestion that she must go and she screams and cries and seems to be genuinely afraid of going to school. What can we do?"

You have to be firm with her, and not try to just wait it out. If she misses too much school, she will never go back.

Still, you need to realize that her feelings are real. Showing anger won't help either of you.

You need to find out what is troubling her. It could be school phobia ( a fear of school), separation anxiety (fear of leaving you or the home) or agoraphobia (fear of crowds and public places). These are all very real disorders.

If someone is bullying, teasing, embarrassing, or abusing her, then it could be the first diagnosis. Talk to her teachers to find out what they know and to inform them of your experiences with your daughter.

Make a doctor appointment for a complete examination. Explain the whole situation to him so he can look for serious illness.

If he rules out an illness, then believe what he says. Don't have a lot of expensive tests. Assume that your child is physically well and needs to go to school. Keep assuring her firmly and confidently that she'll be fine (and so will you) once she arrives. If she still claims of physical ailments, you have two options;

First, get her to school unless you determine that she truly is sick. In that case she would be running a fever, or have nausea and/ or diarrhea, etc. If she just tells you she doesn't feel well, that isn't enough to let her stay home. Adults often go to work with uncomfortable symptoms.

Option two is to believe what she says. If she claims to be too sick to attend school, then she is too sick to be up at home. Make sure she gets into bed. Turn off the lights, close the curtains, don't let her watch TV and don't bring her any snacks. Just maintain your daily routine. Make staying home a complete bore. If she isn't asleep then she could be doing her homework. She definitely shouldn't have friends visit.

Along with this, set up clear incentives (rewards, privileges) for getting to school.

Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don't argue with her if she resists. The goal her is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she's fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.

If these techniques don't work and you think she may be seriously depressed or anxious, then find professional help by asking your family doctor for a referral.

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