How to Raise Polite Children

“Raise children you like because, if you don’t like them, nobody else will, and you’re going to spend the rest of your life with them,” warns journalist Cokie Roberts.” And, since it all begins at home with the teaching of manners and a grateful attitude, how are you doing? Do your kids remember to say, “Excuse me” when it’s called for? How about “please,” “thank you,” and “you’re welcome”? If you’re not hearing those words at home, then it’s no wonder the rest of us aren’t hearing them either! Indeed, a 2002 Public Agenda survey found that forty-eight percent of adults only sometimes encountered people who ever said “please” and “thank you;” sixteen percent said they practically never saw that kind of polite behavior.

So, what’s your excuse if your kids are lacking in manners? Are you shrugging your shoulders right about now, dancing around the issue and blaming society or your too-busy schedule? It’s never our fault, is it. No matter what the problem or issue, a popular defense is to take the offense and point the finger elsewhere—modeling behaviors that simply compound the problem. As Nancy Tuckerman says, “Blaming our fast-paced modern life for our ill-mannered children is a cop-out. If parents come home frantic from work and fail to sit down at the table and talk to their children, then people are just making excuses.” The editors of Middle Years agree and say, “There is no reason to accept rudeness and disrespect. When your children behave in an unacceptable way, remind them that it’s NOT okay, period.”

We serve as models for how we want our children to be in the world. By establishing an early, easy rapport with them, making family time a priority, and gathering together at mealtimes and in-between times—these things set the stage for parenting success and character-building in our young. Part of that equation also includes instilling good manners and acceptable standards of behavior, so remind your child to:

1. Accept others’ opinions graciously, agreeing to disagree.
2. Never make disparaging comments regarding race, religion, or lifestyle.
3. Listen attentively to others and maintain eye contact.
4. Refrain from interrupting when someone is speaking.
5. Think before you speak.
6. Return what you borrow and always in the same condition as when it was lent.
7. Don’t be pushy!
8. Pick up after yourself.
9. Always leave a place better than when you happened upon it
10. Behave so that people are glad when you arrive, not when you leave— even home.
11. Always lend a helping hand—and offer before being asked.
12. Exercise patience.
13. Share whenever possible and think of others, not just yourself.
14. Give up your seat on a bus/train to someone in need.
15. Run--don’t saunter--to the morning school bus. Cars are waiting!
16. Open doors for others.
17. Greet friends at the door and walk them to it when they’re leaving.
18. Never forget to say, “Excuse me,” whenever called for.
19. Say “please” when making requests/asking favors.
20. Always show your gratitude by saying, “thank you.”

And, having said that, please make the writing of thank you notes a must—not an option. Following the December 27th USA Today headline, “Whatever happened to thank-you notes?” Olivia Barker writes, “The trend is a reflection of how Americans’ short attention spans and electronically wired lives—combined with a diminished mindfulness of etiquette—have made the USA, well, a pretty ungrateful nation.” No bragging rights there, but together we can reverse this woeful trend. Will it be worth the effort? You bet!! Earl Nightengale put it this way: “Our rewards in life will always be in direct proportion to the amount of consideration we show toward others.” Sounds promising, don’t you think?

A study of 1,607 parents of children ages 5-17, by the non-profit organization Public Agenda, found that 84% of parents say courtesy is essential, but only 62% say they’ve succeeded in teaching it.”

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Carol Josel is a teacher and learning specialist. Her books offer expert advice, activities, and lessons to help parents and their children both at home and at school. Vist CarolJosel.com for free parent resources.