How to Understand Another Person

The word empathy came to us from the German word of einfuhlung, which means "feeling into." Empathy is having the ability to understand another person and their emotions in pretty much the same way as that person sees themselves. Empathy is a major component of Emotional Intelligence and it is a primary contributor for healthy relationships and communication. Empathy should not be confused with sympathy, however, because empathy involves understanding the other person's views and feelings while still maintaining your own perspectives; whereas sympathy involves adopting another person's feelings and emotions as your own.

One of the difficulties in achieving empathy is that many people don't have the ability to understand the other person because they themselves have not experienced that other person's life enough to be able to "fit in their shoes."

I often use the example of the 1960s television show, The Beverly Hillbillies, as an example in the difficulties of achieving genuine empathy. In the show, the Clampetts went from rags to riches overnight by coming across an oil field on their property by accident. Their fortune enabled them to move out of their beat-up old log cabin and into a posh Beverly Hills mansion, yet they still hung on to their simple ways that they grew accustom to, despite their riches. Each episode usually capitalized on the socio-cultural differences that existed between the other wealthy Beverly Hills upper-crest and the simple-minded Clampetts. The wealthy Beverly Hills residents could not understand the odd, and often, frightening things that the Clampetts would do and visa versa. This is often the same problem that many of us encounter when it comes to empathy-we simply can't empathize because we have no experience or knowledge from which to base our empathetic judgments from.

Emotional Intelligence teaches us that every human action has a root cause and purpose. This even holds true for the mentally ill. Empathy is the ability to associate the appropriate root cause with the action. We might think that a mentally ill person who is talking to himself is "crazy," but if we empathize with that person, we might know that the reason why he is talking to himself is because he believes that he is talking to an "invisible" person by his side that only he can see.

When training managers on empathy skills, I suggest that they regularly get out from behind their desk and go work the front lines with their subordinates on occasion. Not only will this demonstrate great leadership qualities in them, but it will also help them empathize with their employees better.

Even in your personal life you can strengthen your relationships by involving yourself in the activities of the other person. By doing this, you gain valuable experience that will allow you to better empathize with the other person. Quaker Preacher and anti-slavery advocate John Woolman (1720-1772) wanted to symbolically endure the same painful experience the black slaves suffered when they were forced to walk barefoot from Baltimore to Philadelphia, so he walked the same path himself and gained a greater sense of empathy. I don't expect you to do anything as drastic, but part of building your ability to empathize with others is experiencing first hand what they have gone through.

Just remember that before you judge, seek to understand.

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Tristan Loo is the Founder of the Synergy Institute, a Personal Development Firm based out of San Diego County. Tristan is a former police officer, personal development coach, mediator, conflict negotiator, and author. Visit the Synergy Institute website at www.synergyinstituteonline.com