Parenting – Bedtime Woes

You have spent all day looking after the children - feeding them, washing clothes, picking up after their mess, listening to their whining and temper tantrums, managing their various behavior problems - now the day is over, don't you deserve a bit of peace and quiet and some quality time with your partner? All you ask is that they go up to their room, go to bed, and STAY there!

But it seems that over a third of children refuse to go to bed before their parents!

So, if you are in that situation, here are some pointers that might help:

You can start by assessing how much sleep your child needs. While most children below the age of 12 require about 10 to 12 hours sleep there are kids that need much less. Basically, younger children need more sleep and it goes on decreasing as they grow. If your child actually needs less sleep than what you are imposing on him, you are fighting a losing battle. Remember, you cannot force sleep on anyone. If you can’t sleep if you are not sleepy, how can you expect your child to fall asleep at your command? Your child functions very well on just 6 or 8 hours sleep. So be it! There is just no point fighting with them to go to bed 4 hours before they need to.

After you have established a reasonable bedtime, you should stick to it. Kids take advantage of any weakness. They will not miss a chance to manipulate you into giving them an extra hour. They have a fertile imagination and will concoct any and every tactic to wrangle that from you. They will ask for a drink or a question, or they will say they are scared or need to pee, anything! Some of them are so good at it that they might make you feel sorry for them so that you allow them to stay up later or sleep in your bed. Don't give in.

Clear about the rules? Okay, the third step is to put this into practice. Establish a bedtime routine. Again, the younger they are, the more important this is. Start well before the target bedtime and lead them through the steps: getting changed, doing teeth and bathroom, reading a story, lights out. Be willing to give them your full attention during this routine.

Then, when it comes to lights out, be firm and calm. Make it clear that you expect them to stay in bed. Leave the door open or a night-light on if they need that. You could also put on some gentle, soothing music if they respond well to that.

The real challenge for parents is when the child gets out of bed after all that or calls for your attention. If the reason is genuine, attend to it without giving much attention otherwise he will use this excuse more often.

You could use a timer and tell your child that you will be up to check on them after five or ten minutes only if he stays in bed. Start with five minutes and gradually increase to ten minutes. Make sure you go up to check on him and praise him for staying in bed quietly. But don't linger on. Just tuck him up quietly, give a kiss, and leave.

For your own peace of mind, you may want to go on checking till they are asleep. You might find this very tiring in the beginning, but remember, habits are not formed in a day. You need to put in some effort to get your child into a bedtime routine.

Don’t forget the golden rule of positive reinforcement. Keep praising your child for staying quietly in bed. And, don’t fail to check up on them at the exact time you said you would. You could do with a timer as a reminder.

If your child gets up before your next check, you can do the following:

First, be firm and send him back to bed. Don't get flustered and don’t shout; just make it clear that you are serious. Then remind him that you will be up to tuck him in again, but after the ten minutes which will start now. Having done that, just ignore him until the time for your next check.

Finally, remember to reward them for success in staying nicely in bed. A star chart or similar works well for this.

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