Training Your Children to Tidy Their Rooms

Almost every parent faces this problem. Some parents learn to ignore it, while others wreck their nerves over it. It leads to frustration, and countless fights and arguments. Neither is desirable. So, here are some tips to overcome it:

First, make sure that there is somewhere to put all the stuff. It is no good expecting your child to tidy up if there is no space in cupboards or drawers in which to put it all. This can be difficult in small rooms, so it may take some pre-planning - maybe even installing some additional shelves, boxes under the bed, or chests of drawers.

Ideally you want enough storage space so that there is still some spare capacity even after everything has been tidied up. Otherwise, if everything is crammed in, it can be very hard to find anything when you want it - which makes the solution of scattering everything across the floor rather attractive.

Next thing to do is to make a routine and set up reasonable expectations. Many children are by nature very meticulous and organized; some are not. Also, their concept of tidiness may be very different from yours. If you think you can see their room spic and span all through the day, you are mistaken. It is an unreasonable expectation; it will only lead to frustration. It would be better if you take your child’s views and then establish a reasonable standard of tidiness, and how often that should be achieved.

Which leads on to the next consideration. What is your goal? Is your goal to teach your children how to responsibly look after their belongings - or is it that their untidiness upsets and irritates you? This is important because, in order to achieve the first goal, you will need to allow them to fail at times - ie, not tidy up, and live with the consequences of that. Which may mean that you have to put up with their untidiness for a bit longer!

You need to establish reasonable expectations, such as putting things away before bedtime and a once-a-week thorough tidy-up. Then you can draw up some kind of contract.

In this you should spell out the consequences for success and failure. Give clear indications of what the rewards or punishments would be.

The focus should, primarily, be on rewards - eg earned privileges based on achieving the goal. This can be combined with a chart system connected to other chores.

Of course, you can use some punishments for failure also, but they must be logical consequences, and not out of proportion with the crime. Many parents find the "black bag" technique quite effective. This is a simple exercise of picking up anything still lying on the floor at 1pm on Saturday and putting it into a big black bag. This bag will be thrown into the attic, basement or garage for a week. This bag can be ‘earned’ back if the tidy goal is achieved next Saturday or it will be thrown into the basement and finally into the garbage. But most children learn the lesson much before that happens because they run out of toys.

Key to the process, however, is a total absence of shouting or other punishments. All is done calmly. At the appointed time you simply go up to the room and gather up the offending articles.

You will need to do it only a couple of times because if you mean business, most children will hate the sight of the black bag and tidy up the room before they have to set eyes on it again.

There may be times when you are expecting visitors and you need your child’s room. This is your need and out of the contract. So, remember that this is extra to your original contract, so it would be only fair to offer an additional incentive for them to tidy up. Be grateful that they are doing you a favor by lending their room to you.

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Dr. Noel Swanson's website provides free expert parenting help - just sign up for his newsletter and get a free chapter of his book, The GOOD CHILD Guide. Why not discuss parenting issues with other parents on a parenting forum?
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